So I had started and written a completely different blog post for my first post but I found something that made me decided to put up my original blog post next week. Since 2003 I have suffered from Depression but it went un-noticed until 2011 when it took over my life and I had a mental breakdown and started self-harming. It’s been over four years now but I still relapse occasionally and I still have very bad days but I have a handle on it, unlike four years ago.
So I found an reflective essay I wrote on my Depression and Self-Harm that was a part of my folio work for Higher English in 2012 and I wanted to share it with you.
To me the last paragraph is the most powerful. I know I wrote it, so i’m biased but tonight was the first time i’d read it in 3 years and it’s amazing that I wrote that when I didn’t know what 2013 was going to throw at me and i’d relapse and start doing it continuously like I had done in 2011.
“This essay has taken me over two weeks to write because every time i’ve sat and a read a paragraph back; I got a throbbing pain behind my eyes, my throat became swollen and I needed to go and take a fast pace walk around my room to stop myself from breaking down. Finally, i’m sitting here in front of my monitor, looking down at my wrist and the thing that stands out isn’t the fading lines that bring my stomach into my throat whenever I look at them for too long, it’s the black ink which reads the word ‘Believe’ because to me, believe can mean 100 things; I believe in Sherlock Holmes, I believe in love at first sight or I believe that I am worth living.”
There’s a bit in that paragraph that brings tears to my eyes, and I wanted to bold it for you. As you saw in my essay I was adopted, my gran died when I was 7 and also, something I didn’t add to my essay, but my mum was diagnosed with cancer back in 2009. My life has been anything but ordinary but for me to have been able to write this in 2012 showed that I was willing myself to get better but you never know what is going to happen tomorrow or in a few months that could ruin your clean streak. Everything we go through in life is a lesson and we can learn from it or continue to make the same mistakes. It’s all up to us and no one should tell you how to live your life, you live it for you. Not for anyone else. So i’m going to leave you with this little section and I promise i’ll be back next week with a much happier blog post.
“I don’t have to act anymore; I don’t have to wear long sleeves or become conscious when holding my hand up in class. I can keep the acting for the stage and produce my best performance to date.”
